This Post is Not About Pirates or Ninjas

I never realized it would be quite this difficult to keep coming up with ideas to write about.  I find myself almost frantically searching my addled mind for the faintest whisper of an idea worthy of blogging about.

 I have failed. As a result, here's a post about pirates vs ninjas.

 Wait, wait! Don't leave yet! I know what your thinking. "What's next? A post about Chuck Norris? Some LOLCAT pictures? That video of the 7 year-old tripping face after going to the dentist?" Believe me, I understand your concern. The Internet is a cruel and fickle mistress, and the time between being the next big Internet craze and a worn out cliche is infinitesimally short. 

That being said, the Internet's own "chicken or the egg" question was one that hung heavy on my mind long before I ever waited through the 56K screech of early AOL. Who would win a fight between pirates and ninjas? Who indeed?

 Pirates and ninjas represent two diametrically opposed facets of the young male psyche. On one side of the coin you have the swash buckling adventurer, swilling grog and groping wenches. Following no laws but the barbaric code of the open sea, the pirate is all action with no regard for consequence. On the flip side the ninja is all forethought and precision. Quiet and capable, he is born out of a desire to throw sharp objects and abilities honed by hiding from Jehovah's Witnesses when they ring the doorbell. 

After years of deliberation, which included seeing an actual performance piece at Wesleyan University entitled Pirate Vs Ninja, I have come to the conclusion that perhaps this is not the best match up of romanticized historical figures. I think that they do match up perfectly in a contest of "which is cooler?" rather than a contest of physical combat. 

A real fight to the death between pirates and ninjas seems unfair, as ninjas were primarily (note: all ninja and pirate facts cited herein are based solely on the author's childhood notions and not necessarily academic research, though they might as well be because let's be honest here folks, who knows more about ninjas and pirates than an 8 year old boy?) assassins who spent their days and nights training only to kill. Pirates were basically just guys enjoying the fresh ocean breeze while indiscriminately firing guns into the air. I'm sure they were capable and resourceful fighters, but they were most certainly drunk or trying to become drunk during most hours of the day. It's sort of like saying who would win in a fight between Bruce Lee and Russell Crowe. Sure they're both really badass dudes with high coolness quotients, but it seems clear that Lee would emerge victorious. Would he get wasted afterwards and probably take a few chicks home? No, but Crowe would. 

I propose that we must alter these dogmatic match ups to create more competitive and entertaining contests. They are as follows:

 Pirates Vs Cowboys

 How has no one thought of this sooner? Cowboys are basically the land-based version of the pirate, living by their own rules and dealing out justice with a judicious dose of hot lead. As the pirate lives and dies by his ship, so too does the cowboy by way of his trusty steed. I can see it now. After an enormously successful plundering of Central American ruins leaves a wayward band of pirates rich beyond their wildest pirate dreams, they decided to celebrate by drinking their own weight in rum. Drunk beyond all comprehension, everyone on board passes out as they veer off course. They awake to find themselves miles inland, following a river deep into the untamed American West.  The dubious sight of the Jolly Roger flying high above the pirate vessel catches the attention of a rag-tag band of Texas lawmen, who quickly move in to investigate.  Awesomess ensues.  When are they making that movie? 

Ninjas Vs Vampires

 Fuck this Twilight emo vampire shit.  I want vampires and ninjas flipping around, slicing and biting the crap out of each other.  They possess comparable speed and agility, as well as both sharing the power to turn into shadows.  The sword of the ninja provides a solid defense against vampires, as lopping off their undead heads is just as valid a means of killing them as a stake to the heart.  I imagine a pretty gnarly gorefest, with even the most confident group of ninjas starting to lose their cool as their fallen compatriots reanimate as horrifyingly badass vampire-ninjas.  The concept of combining a vampire with a ninja has been flirted with before, especially in the  recent trilogy of increasingly bad Blade films.  However, let us not be disillusioned by the shortcomings of Wesley Snipes career moves.  If vampires are truly immortal, surely they existed during the time of the ninja.  With nary a crucifix or Van Helsing relative in sight, what vampire wouldn't want to take a little trip to 14th century feudal Japan?  As peasants start disappearing mysteriously, it wouldn't take long before some ninjas would be brought in to exterminate the strange nocturnal Europeans. 

 Zombies Vs Robots

This isn't so much a fantasy as an inevitable reality.  With robotic and A.I. technology advancing ever more quickly, the days of fully-realized walking and talking robots becoming a part of everyday society will be upon us before we know it.  And, as anyone who has ever had even a passing interest in Science Fiction knows, their conquest of humanity is not really a question of if but when.  The equally unavoidable zombie apocalypse could represent a great catalyst for the robot takeover.  Once the zombie scourge is upon us, the last thing we'll want to do is to send troops into battle, feeding the fire by providing more humans to be transformed into the undead.  Considering the recent unmanned warfare advances, it seems obvious that an army of robotic war machines would be our last best hope.  In the chaos of the Zombie War, our previously loyal Artificial Intelligence overlord will see the opportunity to seize control of the planet.  However, even with His ability to perform trillions upon trillions of calculation per nanosecond, He will not be able to foresee the true magnitude of the threat posed by the zombie hordes.  Throw into the mix the last remnants of human civilization, with survivors spending all available resources to transform the infection that turned every man, woman, and child into a mindless zombie into some sort of computer virus.  Or something?

Well did you enjoy reading that?  You will never get those 12 minutes of your life back.

How To Get Ahead in the Corporate World

Seeing how I spent most of my time confined within the oppressive walls of my cubicle, it seems odd that I never make more than a passing mention of this in my blog.  I usually dedicate my time here writing about the distractions of my life, such as video games, movies, and having pleasant thoughts.  However, this is an unrealistic depiction of my life.  Statistically speaking, if I'm awake, I'm at work.  At first I resisted this seemingly soul-crushing truth.  Time passed and I realized that no matter how much I wanted to pull a Peter Gibbons, my bills would still beckon to be paid.  

Since working for The Man (at least for the time being) seems inescapable, why not try to make the most of it?  I've learned much in my short time in corporate America, and I've picked up many tips and tricks to help you stand out and get ahead.  Gather 'round children, and I shall show you the secrets to my success.

1) Show up fashionable late

When attending a a party, the last thing you'd want to do is be the first person there.  This is no different with your job.  Sure there will be those who feel showing up early or on time is the way to endear yourself to upper-management, but that's a dirty stereotype.  People who arrive on time look needy, and probably don't have any great plans after work.  Other people will pick up on this and pigeon-hole you as a loser.  

Bosses are people too, and like all people they want to be friends with the cool kids.  Cool kids don't show up early.  

2) Dominate the bathroom

Public restrooms are an awkward place for many people, and it's easy to see why.  Who hasn't cringed upon walking into a freshly inhabited bathroom stall, seeing the lingering remnants of tenants past.  Rogue hairs of untold origin sit defiantly on white porcelain, glaring back up at you.  "You don't want to know what just happened in here," they whisper to you, like the last mangled casualties of a vicious battle.  

The bathroom represents a great place to assert your power and influence, far more than any boardroom (For evidence see video below).  When standing at the urinal, don't make the rookie mistake of peeing on side or back of the receptacle, as your natural inclination may direct you to do.  You need to concentrate your fire directly into the small pool of water at the bottom of the urinal.  Your goal is to create the loudest splash possible as to alert any man in the vicinity that you are not to be messed with.  Ever hear a horse micturate?  It sounds like a fire hose being sprayed directly onto a gong.  I heard it as a child, and was at once terrified and humbled by the experience.  Be that horse, in the bathroom.

3)  Never eat a salad

I often see coworkers making a conscious effort to eat right, which usually involves eating fruits and vegetables.  They might as well be waving a white flag.  It is imperative that all those around you can see, hear, and smell that you are carnivore capable of consuming massive quantities of animal flesh.  When a superior comes to your cubicle to ask where that report they wanted last week is, imagine the fear and reverence they would be struck with to find bloody slabs of animal protein strewn about your desk.  Large cuts of muscle work nicely for this effect, but nothing says upper-management material like an entire carcass slumped over your filing cabinet.  

Well I hope this has been enlightening to many of you.  In tough economic times such as these you'll need every trick in the book to stay afloat.  Follow my tips and I'll meet you at the top!