The Inevitable GTA IV Post

Unless you've been living in a cave on Mars for the past few weeks, or in The United Arab Emirates, you've probably heard about Grand Theft Auto IV. After selling an absurd 3.6 million copies and raking in $310 million in a single day, GTA IV has crossed over from a subculture obsession into a mainstream phenomenon. So what is it that makes this game so insanely popular and, in my opinion, so additively entertaining?

First off, it has a painstakingly rendered version of the major New York metropolitan area, with instantly recognizable landmarks such as the Brooklyn Bridge, Empire State Building, and Statue of Liberty. In terms of graphics, everything looks good, from the sunlight shimmering off water to the bloodstains that adorn your car after mowing down a herd of pedestrians. Throw in some movie-caliber writing and voice acting, along with hours of perfectly crafted radio content, and you've already made a superior product.

However, all that is just the foundation on which the house of GTA IV is built. When you pick up the controller and start walking around the city, you realize something more is going on here. After walking out of your apartment, you see a crazy homeless man preaching to an empty street corner about "reptilian death rays" and the like. A woman walks by, picks up her ringing cell phone, and incredulously reacts to news that she bombed her audition. I see a heavily tinted Escalade drive by and attempt to jack it, when three gang bangers jump out and start beating me mercilessly. I would have been killed had the cops not arrived and arrested them. Everything that just occurred was random and could have happened ten different ways.

Another time, I emerged from my apartment and ran across the street blindly to jack a muscle car parked near the sidewalk opposite me. Before I could get close an ambulance came streaking into view, smashing my head into its grill and then the pavement, killing me instantly. It's hard to explain all the awesome ways in which I've been inadvertently killed, but I can almost promise you it's never happened exactly the same way twice.

Yet another time I instantly stole a motorcycle after exiting my apartment. After reaching top speed as quickly as possibly, I invariably smashed into the side of a vehicle, sending me flipping over the handle bars and cartwheeling some thirty feet into the air. My body hit the top of street lamp which I dangled from for a moment before smashing into the pavement with a sickly thud. I was miraculously alive, and as I stood up to collect myself I saw a minivan hurdling towards me just before I was annihilated.

For all the intense story mission and attempts to create scripted, movie-like events, the true glory of GTA exists in the random occurrences that are unpredictable and can sometimes never be recreated. Thanks to the advanced rag-doll physics engine, called Euphoria, every body in the game reacts to the external forces, i.e. speeding stolen vehicles, in both a naturalistic and cartoony fashion. Add that to all the cars, bikes, helicopters, weather cycles, and everything else in this game, and you've created something truly unique and groundbreaking.

I asked my mom to watch me play yesterday so she could see first hand the game that was making all the headlines. After I flipped my SUV by smashing into a sidewalk of pedestrians, she made a Marge Simpson-esque grumble, and asked, "Now, why did you do that?" Though she later admitted that the game was "not her cup of tea," she did seem impressed by the level of detail and sophistication that was clearly evident after only watching me play for 10 minutes. After playing for quite a few hours myself, (the actual number of hours will not be shared here, as to spare me from your judgmental comments) believe me when I say that this game will own your life. But you should probably try to avoid playing it when your parents are watching.

"Dr" Kent Hovind on Dinosaurs

This stuff makes my brain hurt. I'm not here to look down my nose at anyone who believes in whatever religion they choose. However, when an evangelical young-earth creationist looks down their nose at me, I must strike back. Apparently, even other creationists think guy is nuts.

In the above video, we get to see how "Dr" Kent Hovind works dinosaurs into creationist theory. It turns out Noah just took baby dinosaurs onto the boat. DUH!! It doesn't matter that dinosaurs became extinct nearly 65 million years ago, because that's a lie. The Earth itself is only some 6 thousand years old. Forget all that "carbon-dating, fossil record, vestigial organs, genome mapping" nonsense your fascist professors taught you.

Dinosaurs aren't the only targets for debunking in this video, as we learn that wolves, coyotes, and foxes all descended from a common dog, not the other way around. Right...

It all really goes downhill when he points to cultural legends as the basis of proof for all sorts of creationist events. Come to think of it, this video doesn't start off at a particularly high point so I guess it can't ever really go downhill. The video is good for a laugh, then a cry, then maybe a decision to apply for citizenship elsewhere.

Check out the complete series here:
Part2
Part3
Part4
Part5
Part6

Mario Theme Played with RC Car and Bottles

And I thought I had too much time on my hands. This video shows us that with an unlimited amount of time and determination, anything is possible. Ok, maybe all it really shows us is how weird the Japanese are. The theme music to Mario Bros has been recreated thousands of times on the Internet, but never like this.

Pregnant Man On Oprah

In a story that seems to be begging to be the subject of an upcoming South Park, a pregnant man appeared on Oprah recently to tell the world his unusual story. Thomas Beatie, a 34 year old transsexual, appeared on the program with his wife, Nancy, to put to rest rumors that Beatie's pregnancy was a hoax. Beatie was formerly a beauty pageant queen before opting for a more penis-centric existence. Read the full story here.

Despite his fears that he and his child will be perceived as abominations to nature, Beatie decided it was best to make this story as public as possible.

"Having this baby doesn't make me any less of a man," he told Oprah. No, but it does make you more of a woman. I for one am excited at the prospect of finally seeing the events of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Junior beginning to unfold in real life, and I hope Total Recall is soon to follow.

Worse News Than Transformers 2? Bill & Ted and Short Circuit Remakes Confirmed

I really wish I could have been there for the brainstorming session that came up with this idea. MovieHole reports that the rumors are true, and a Bill & Ted remake is officially underway. Not a true sequel, reports indicate that this movie will be a relaunch of the series. Think Batman Begins, except with Bill & Ted, and a lot worse. In all reality, this movie will probably more closely resemble the embarrassingly bad Dumb and Dumberer than anything else.

Why would such a film be made? Is there some underground die-hard Bill & Ted fan base that we've all been blissfully unaware of? Even fans of the original films couldn't be tripping over themselves to see some floppy-haired no name actor doing his best Keanu impression.

In other incomprehensible movie news, Variety reports that Dimension is currently acquiring the rights to remake the 1986 film Short Circuit. No news yet on the plot of the forthcoming remake, but I'm hoping it's going to be something along the lines of Rocky IV. After achieving fame and fortune, Johnny Five has become soft and out of touch with the common man. Living a cushy life in his mansion with a personal robot butler, Johnny has to rediscover his humble origins to defend his honor and save America by fighting a cybernetically enhanced Dolph Lundgren.

Dark Sector Review

If you remember four years ago when Dark Sector was originally announced as the first ever Playstation 3 game, than you're a bigger nerd than I am. The game is finally in stores now and chronicles the light-hearted adventures of a secret agent with the unfortunate name of Hayden Tenno. Sent to a fictional former Soviet Republic to fight some bad guy with a beard, Hayden encounters a deadly virus that transforms people into thick skinned magical monsters. As you've probably already guessed, the storyline is convoluted and pretty forgettable, but it never becomes a burden on the game.

The gameplay is basically an exact replica of Gears of War with a heavy sprinkling of Resident Evil 4 thrown in for good measure. The basic movements and gunplay are identical to that of Gears, though developers unwisely removed the ability to fire blindly over pieces of cover. It's all pretty recognizable and honestly kind pedestrian, until Dark Sector pulls of its Trump card: Xena, the Warrior Princess' blade boomerang! They call it the glaive and make no mention of the lesbian cult figure, but when you get right down to it, Hayden's razor blade Frisbee is basically the same thing Xena's packing.Once the glaive starts flying, the fun really starts, as Hayden is able to chop off enemies' limbs, heads, or torsos. In addition, the glaive is also used as a key to some rudimentary puzzles that spice up the gameplay, or as a boomerang to pick up weapons or items. You can even take control of the glaive while it flies through mid-air, directing it to slice up multiple enemies in one toss. While is quite gory and clearly the reason this game was banned in Australia, it's also undeniably fun.

The title, Dark Sector, is a fitting name, as much of the game is so darkly lit that I found it nearly impossible to discern shapes and objects while playing in my sunlit living room. After fighting through what seemed like 4 levels of sewers, I finally emerged outdoors and into a well lit environment. Overly dark settings aside, the game itself is good looking with strong graphics that are enhanced by some well placed destructible objects.

It's not all good though, especially when the game runs out of steam about halfway through. After a certain point everything seems to stagnate and killing enemy troops and infected civilians kind of becomes a monotonous task. In addition, I hated play as the whiny and unlikeable Hayden. He is a lot like Raiden from Metal Gear Solid 2, except somehow with worse hair. I remember reading an interview on IGN with the developers of this game months back in which they described Hayden as a cross between Jack Bauer from 24 and Wolverine. So tell me again how we ended up with this whiny bitch with an emo haircut?

Dark Sector is a solid action title with some legitimately fun gore thrown in, and if you're into that kind of stuff then you owe it to yourself to play this. However, if $60 is still a lot of money to you, and you don't want to play a game that has the lead singer from Hawthorne Heights as its protagonist, you'd probably be better off just renting it.

Preview of the Newest Office Episode

Clearly the worst casualty of the Writer's Strike, the Office finally makes its triumphant return in just over a week! I found this exclusive clip tucked away in the darkest corner of YouTube. Oh, and happy April Fools Day.