How To Get Ahead in the Corporate World

Seeing how I spent most of my time confined within the oppressive walls of my cubicle, it seems odd that I never make more than a passing mention of this in my blog.  I usually dedicate my time here writing about the distractions of my life, such as video games, movies, and having pleasant thoughts.  However, this is an unrealistic depiction of my life.  Statistically speaking, if I'm awake, I'm at work.  At first I resisted this seemingly soul-crushing truth.  Time passed and I realized that no matter how much I wanted to pull a Peter Gibbons, my bills would still beckon to be paid.  

Since working for The Man (at least for the time being) seems inescapable, why not try to make the most of it?  I've learned much in my short time in corporate America, and I've picked up many tips and tricks to help you stand out and get ahead.  Gather 'round children, and I shall show you the secrets to my success.

1) Show up fashionable late

When attending a a party, the last thing you'd want to do is be the first person there.  This is no different with your job.  Sure there will be those who feel showing up early or on time is the way to endear yourself to upper-management, but that's a dirty stereotype.  People who arrive on time look needy, and probably don't have any great plans after work.  Other people will pick up on this and pigeon-hole you as a loser.  

Bosses are people too, and like all people they want to be friends with the cool kids.  Cool kids don't show up early.  

2) Dominate the bathroom

Public restrooms are an awkward place for many people, and it's easy to see why.  Who hasn't cringed upon walking into a freshly inhabited bathroom stall, seeing the lingering remnants of tenants past.  Rogue hairs of untold origin sit defiantly on white porcelain, glaring back up at you.  "You don't want to know what just happened in here," they whisper to you, like the last mangled casualties of a vicious battle.  

The bathroom represents a great place to assert your power and influence, far more than any boardroom (For evidence see video below).  When standing at the urinal, don't make the rookie mistake of peeing on side or back of the receptacle, as your natural inclination may direct you to do.  You need to concentrate your fire directly into the small pool of water at the bottom of the urinal.  Your goal is to create the loudest splash possible as to alert any man in the vicinity that you are not to be messed with.  Ever hear a horse micturate?  It sounds like a fire hose being sprayed directly onto a gong.  I heard it as a child, and was at once terrified and humbled by the experience.  Be that horse, in the bathroom.

3)  Never eat a salad

I often see coworkers making a conscious effort to eat right, which usually involves eating fruits and vegetables.  They might as well be waving a white flag.  It is imperative that all those around you can see, hear, and smell that you are carnivore capable of consuming massive quantities of animal flesh.  When a superior comes to your cubicle to ask where that report they wanted last week is, imagine the fear and reverence they would be struck with to find bloody slabs of animal protein strewn about your desk.  Large cuts of muscle work nicely for this effect, but nothing says upper-management material like an entire carcass slumped over your filing cabinet.  

Well I hope this has been enlightening to many of you.  In tough economic times such as these you'll need every trick in the book to stay afloat.  Follow my tips and I'll meet you at the top!